Pit Stops Gone Pitiful: Why Pit Diapers Are Starting to Make Sense

Pit Diapers and Public Potty Crimes: We Deserve Better Restrooms

Kevin McElroy
Editor, Tune Up Magazine

Last week, a new product announcement made waves: the Pit Diaper—a collaboration between Liquid Death and Depend, marketed as a solution for concert and festival attendees who don’t want to miss a second of the action. Yep, you read that right. An adult diaper for die-hard music fans. It’s clearly a publicity stunt dreamed up by Liquid Death, but it reminded me of something Richard Christy (former Iced Earth drummer and current Howard Stern staffer) once talked about years ago—how he wore a diaper to a Coheed and Cambria concert because he’d been drinking a lot and didn’t want to lose his spot or miss any of the show while pisshin’. but it got me thinking… maybe this isn’t as ridiculous as it seems.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DIZUowoc4F8

Don’t get me wrong, I’d never let a song keep me from finding the nearest restroom—unless, of course, the Wilson sisters were on stage planning to go Crazy over me specifically—and even then… But this whole thing raises a bigger issue that’s one of my biggest life pet peeves: public restrooms. Or, more specifically, the lack of decent ones.

The State of Public Restrooms: A National Embarrassment

Public restrooms are, let’s face it, the foulest, most disgusting spaces that any human being has to enter. I can’t speak for the ladies, but I’d bet good money they’d agree with me. You only have to see the increasingly common practice of women running into the men’s room because of shorter lines. They’re willing to use these DISGUSTING men’s rooms. That’s how bad it is and has been. And yet, there are places in the world where this doesn’t have to be the case.

Take Paris, for example. On a trip there THIRTY YEARS AGO—THREE-OH, PEOPLE—I encountered a public pay toilet on the street. Now, I don’t mind paying a little to use a restroom—especially when it promises to be clean. But let me tell you, this was next-level genius. After every use, the toilet sanitized itself with a full wash-down system. It was like stepping into a brand-new restroom every time. Why don’t we have this everywhere? Instead, here in the States, we’re stuck with a porta-potty that looks like it’s been through a zombie apocalypse… or worse yet, a Jackson Pollock painting.

Speaking of porta-potties, let me tell you about the outdoor winery festival I attended in South Jersey. Hundreds, if not thousands, of people were eating food truck lunches, sampling wine, and… dealing with just two porta-potties. Two. Disgusting. Porta-potties. For an event of that size. That’s not just poor planning—that should be considered a crime. No joke. Events like this should face the same consequences as those that violate fire codes. If you can’t provide adequate restrooms, you shouldn’t be allowed to hold the event, period.

And listen, I’m not asking for the world here. I get that public restrooms are never going to be pristine paradises. But at least have a human amount of porta-johns. Let’s start somewhere. Just put an attendant out there armed with a garden hose to spray the floors and these fuggers down—and while they’re at it, super soak the asshole who abuses the facilities. If you think you’re going to need to dump while you’re out, then stay the fugg home or wear the diaper and sit in your own filth instead of making me deal with it.

And let’s talk about alcohol for a second. Its main job—besides getting people buzzed—is to make them pee. But let’s not forget its other side hustle: making people puke. This past Saturday at Xfinity Live, I found myself stepping over a fresh pile of someone’s liquid courage turned projectile regret. A lovely bonus to the usual sticky floors and overflowing trash cans.

Navigating a public restroom stall is its own special kind of nightmare. Try doing it without so much as letting your elbows touch the walls—a feat of acrobatics most of us didn’t train for. And FUCK ALL if there’s ever a paper towel in the dispenser after washing your hands. Which, let’s face it, some guys STILL aren’t doing after pissing. We just lived through a fugging pandemic and you learned nothing? Farging morons. Iceholes.

Touring Musicians and Road Crews: How Do They Do It?

Now, let’s take this conversation on the road—literally. I can’t help but think about musicians and their crews who spend their lives traveling from city to city. Tour buses, planes, and late-night gigs… all while needing to be ready to perform on someone else’s fixed schedule. How do they handle this?

You hear the wild road stories of rock stars abusing their bodies, but you rarely hear about the day-to-day realities of, you know, bathroom schedules. Are they constantly in fear of soiling themselves mid-set? Waiting in line for the airplane bathroom while silently panicking?

Honestly, this is one of my worst fears when traveling. Being stuck in a car I’m not driving and needing to go to the bathroom? That’s nightmare fuel. Add in being stuck in traffic, or worse yet, waiting in line for a plane’s tiny-ass toilet while your ass is already in someone’s face seated outside the bathroom. And GOD FORBID the flight attendants roll that goddamn drink cart between me and the bathroom. Are they insane? You’re going to make a cart the exact width of the aisle where no one can pass? Talk about being high—HIGH ANXIETY.

Honestly, if anyone deserves a Pit Diaper, it’s these guys. I’ll need to bring Nancy Adler, our resident nutritionist, into this conversation. Maybe she has tips for staying “regular” while living like a nomad.

The Call for Change

The Paris self-cleaning toilet isn’t just a luxury; it’s proof that better solutions exist. Japan has sparkling clean, high-tech restrooms. Singapore’s public facilities are so immaculate they could double as surgical rooms. Even countries like Germany and Switzerland have paid toilets that are well-maintained and staffed by attendants. So why is the U.S. stuck in the dark ages of bathroom hygiene?

It’s time we treat public restrooms like the essential infrastructure they are. Events, businesses, and public spaces should have to meet a baseline standard for restroom availability and cleanliness, just like fire safety codes. And this goes beyond hygiene—it’s about public decency. Do you really need to be your absolute worst self just because you don’t have to clean up after yourself? Apparently, the answer for some people is yes.

Let’s Build Something Better

This brings me to an idea I’ve been toying with: reinventing the American rest stop. Imagine restrooms that are not only clean but also equipped with innovative features like self-sanitizing systems, touchless everything, and enough stalls to accommodate crowds at even the busiest events. It’s not impossible—we just need to care enough to make it happen.

If anyone out there is interested in my Rest Stop Revolution—especially anyone with venture capital—please contact me. I’m dead serious about solving this crisis and making public restrooms something we can finally brag about. Until then, I’ll keep a Pit Diaper in my back pocket for emergencies. Just in case.

From Ridiculous to Revolutionary

So, is the Pit Diaper absurd? Sure. But maybe it’s less absurd than the state of our public restrooms. Whether you’re at a concert, on a road trip, or just trying to survive a crowded event, you deserve better. And until we demand it, we’ll be stuck holding it—or worse, wearing it.

In the meantime, I wish Depend and the Pit Diaper all the best. It’s a step in the right direction, in my opinion, as it will potentially keep more people out of the public toilets. I commend you on doing the Lord’s work. Oh, and the Lord? He’s another one, intelligent design my ass…